Lessons in Grief: How to Show Up for People in Their Grief {Part 2}
By Shelby Sipe, LPC
Photo: Will Smyth Saucer : February 13, 1991 to August 19, 2024
Grief is not a moment; it’s a landscape. When someone we love is grieving, it’s easy to feel uncertain about how to show up—what to say, what to do, how to help. But the truth is, simply showing up with compassion can be the most powerful offering of all.
Here are lessons I’ve gathered—both from professional experience and personal heartbreak—on how to truly be there for someone navigating loss.
- Show Up
Attend the funeral. Send flowers. Drop off a card or a casserole. Grief is isolating, and your presence says, “You’re not alone.”
“Funerals, in fact, are one of the most powerful examples of collective pain… Death, loss, and grief are the great equalizers.”
– Brené Brown, Braving the Wilderness
Showing up—literally or symbolically—builds trust, provides comfort, and communicates care in a way words cannot.
- Reach Out—Always
Whether it’s the day after or a year later, it’s never too soon or too late to reach out. A simple “I’ve been thinking of you” can provide unexpected healing. Grief longs to be witnessed and held, not fixed.
- Don’t Try to Fix the Unfixable
There’s no way to fix someone’s grief. Don’t try to cheer them up, distract them, or talk them out of their pain. Just be with them in the pain. That is enough.
- Bear Witness to Unbearable Pain
This is one of the hardest tasks—and one of the most important. Grief is brutal. Be someone who doesn’t flinch in the face of raw emotion. You don’t have to say anything. Just stay. Just witness.
- Grief Belongs to the Griever
You have a supporting role, not the starring one. This grief belongs to the person experiencing it. Listen more than you speak. Respect their pace and their process.
You may feel helpless, rejected, or underappreciated. You may be unsure how to help. That’s okay. But your pain cannot take center stage. Find your own support system so you can continue being theirs.
- Avoid Spiritually Bypassing
Avoid phrases like “everything happens for a reason” or “they’re in a better place.” These may be well-intended but can invalidate the raw pain of loss. Hold space for the brutality of this life—without needing to soften it.
What is Spiritual Bypassing? – Verywell Mind
- Stay Present and Speak the Truth
Avoid platitudes. You don’t need to explain away their loss with phrases like “they’re in a better place” or “everything happens for a reason.” Those statements can feel dismissive. Instead, say the truth:
- “This is so hard.”
- “I love you.”
- “I’m here.”
- “I don’t know what to say, but I’m not going anywhere.”
- Share Stories About Their Loved One
Talking about the person who died keeps their memory alive. Mention their name. Share your stories. Celebrate their quirks and kindnesses.
- Be Patient
Grief scrambles memory and affects concentration. They may forget what they’ve told you. Let them repeat themselves and ask questions repeatedly. They may forget who they told what or need to tell the same story repeatedly to process their reality. This is a part of their healing.
- Anticipate, Don’t Ask
Don’t say, “Call me if you need anything.” They won’t call—not because they don’t need help, but because they can’t figure out what they need, or how to ask.
Instead, offer something specific:
- “I’ll bring dinner Thursday.”
- “I’ll take the kids to school Monday.”
- “I’m swinging by with coffee in the morning—what kind do you like?”
Reliability and simplicity are what help.
- Help with Executive Function
People in grief often struggle to organize their thoughts. Gently asking, “What do you need to do next?” can help them take one small, manageable step forward.
After a death, the influx of calls, visits, and questions can feel like too much. Offer to act as a point person—fielding messages, organizing support, or managing meal trains. You can help shield them from well-intended overwhelm.
- Support Basic Daily Living
Make sure they’re eating, hydrating, and managing critical responsibilities. Offer to help with dishes, groceries, or bills—anything that might fall through the cracks but have lasting consequences. But always ask before throwing anything out or cleaning personal spaces—what seems like trash may carry deep meaning.
- Keep the Door Open—Always
Grief doesn’t follow a timeline. In the months that follow, ask, “How is your grief today?” Many people avoid the topic, assuming the person has “moved on.” Often, they want to talk—but hesitate, fearing they’ll ruin the mood or make others uncomfortable.
Make it known that the door is open—now and always.
- Acknowledge Holidays and the Lead-Up
It’s not just the holiday itself that’s painful—it’s the planning. Reminders of traditions that must be altered or started anew are especially painful. Recognize and support them during this anticipatory grief.
- Be Kind and Gentle—With Them and Yourself
Whether you’re supporting someone or grieving yourself: go gently. You’re doing the best you can.
